Alone, But Not Lonely
Last month, I read a great book called The Lonely Century by Noreena Hertz — it is incredibly topical to say the least. It had me thinking a lot about the concept of alone, but not lonely. I am alone in the sense that I am single, as well as in the sense that I live alone — so I am quite literally alone, 90% of the time these days. I’m someone who tends to be very happy in and fulfilled by my own company, and am lucky to have felt like this for a while. I am highly independent and self-sufficient (fringing on stubborn), which I think has set me up well for this “lonely year” we are in.
While I truly enjoy living alone — I use the time and space it affords me to exercise, read, write, just sit/lie and think, all on my own schedule — we are naturally social creatures, who crave interaction. I’m someone who works on myself a lot — physically, mentally, intellectually. It’s one of my favourite things to do and the best investment, in my opinion. I’m rarely lonely in my own company and am proud of having kept a mostly optimistic attitude over the past year. But as we’re about to enter yet another lockdown in Ontario, I’ll admit that a feeling of loneliness is starting to creep in, one that I very rarely feel. Partially stemming from the fact that so much of this is still a question mark to us — question marks make it hard to have and keep hope. When will this latest lockdown let up? Will this be the last one? When might things be a bit more “normal” again? When will we be getting more vaccines and when will my age-range be able to receive a dose? It’s no surprise that all this uncertainty creates unease.
This wasn’t something I was planning to write about, but lying in bed last night having read that we were on the brink of another lockdown just got to me — it’s tough when things are looking up, only to crash down again. When something stirs my emotions and I can’t stop thinking about it, that’s usually a sign to me that I should write about it.
I am incredibly grateful to be of good health and financially secure during this time, but the matter of the fact is that all this time in isolation is having an impact on us. I’m not here to share the statistics, but mental health does come at a price. Hertz’s book discusses that there is a stigma surrounding loneliness — admitting we are lonely can be difficult to bring up with others and can even be a hard thing to admit to ourselves.
These past couple days are the first time I’ve really started to feel it. In general, I’m someone who is good at keeping my negativity at bay, but I’m finding it challenging to keep up that hope and I can’t help but feel like we’re on a ride we can’t get off. The timing feels eerily familiar. Will we lockdown now and then reopen in the summer, only to lockdown again in the fall? We’ve been here before.
I know there is hope to be had and there are more vaccines on the way, but yesterday, it just felt like a lot to bear, especially when there are so many unanswered questions that we’re not really getting assurances about.
I know this is just a chapter and not the whole story. I know there will come a day when we are all together again. I know it’s okay to be vulnerable and to feel lonely. And on days when everything feels heavy, it’s important to remember that challenging times are the ones that teach us the most.