On Showing Up
I’ve been thinking a lot recently — not in an overthinking way, but thinking about who I want to be and how I want to act.
Recently, I read When Women Rise — it’s one of those books I’m already excited to read again at another time, when life calls me to. I tried to read it slowly, so I could really savour it. The author, Dr. Michele Kambolis, speaks about the importance of having an intention to help guide our days — and in turn, our thoughts and actions. For me, the intention I’ve needed to keep in mind the most these days is that “what is happening to me is happening for me”.
The reminder here is to try not to push, not to force — the way something is happening isn’t necessarily good or bad, it’s just the way it’s unfolding. When I’ve felt myself get into my own head recently, reminding myself of this intention has made me feel so grounded — it feels like a big sigh, a release, a relief.
Life is about learning how not to be reactive, how not to let the external influence us (or at least limit the amount that it influences us). Life is about ownership — owning your thoughts and owning your actions, and adjusting both when they don’t align with the type of person you’re trying to be. It’s about owning how you show up, owning how you react, owning the choices you continue to make day after day.
The other night, my body was itching for movement. It was already after 10pm, but it didn’t matter — late is better than never, and it’s important to listen to ourselves and our bodies. In a passage from The Daily Stoic last week (December 27), the entry described a situation with an individual who “could have abandoned his principles”. In my own situation, I had the option to abandon my principles and an easy excuse at the ready: it was late. Instead, I decided to still show up for myself with a nighttime workout.
We need to actively choose not to abandon our principles — it’s not a passive act. It comes down to committing to show up for yourself. It’s about how you show up when no one is watching — it’s about showing up anyways, especially when no one is watching.
I’ve always loved the saying “How you do anything is how you do everything”. Beyond the realm of our personal choices and actions, people are who they continually show up as to us, not who they were one time (perhaps at their best) or who/what they say they’re going to be — what matters is who they are now, and who they are time and time again.
In When Women Rise, Dr. K echoes this, saying that “every moment is my practice” — every moment is a chance for us to show up and show up in a way that honours our best self.
I’ve come up on a year now of my Melissa Wood Health membership. While there have been missed days while on vacation, under the weather, being lazy, etc. (all ultimately excuses, I’m aware), I’ve consistently showed up to my practice over the past year and the missed days have been more so exceptions, and not the rule.
Over the past year, I’ve built a habit I love and have chosen to consistently show up for myself, in an amount that makes me proud. I wrote previously that we have to make a habit easy in order for us to accomplish it, or at least make it easy for ourselves to initially build the habit for accomplishing it. To help yourself show up for yourself, make it easier to say “yes” to your practice (whatever it may be). What this means for me is that, unless I’m having guests over, I typically have my workout mat rolled out in the living room (my “studio”), serving as a reminder, a motivator, and a habit-builder, all at once. It’s actually harder for me to have to ignore the mat or step over it, versus just doing the damn thing. Make it easier for yourself to say yes — take the weak excuses out of the equation.
I mention this to people at work as well, but if you have a big, potentially intimidating goal you’re trying to achieve, you need to chunk it out — break it down into what that means you need to achieve each month, each week, each day. This makes it more digestible day-by-day and helps keep you on track to hitting whatever the end goal is. For example, if I’m aiming to read 100 books a year, I know that means about 2 books per week and that makes the end goal seem less daunting — it helps me better understand how I’ll need to manage my time to get there. By breaking it down into chunks, you make it more manageable for yourself and give yourself a better chance of reaching your goal.
Pacing is also important — it’s important to know what pace you need to maintain early on in your goal, otherwise you’ll feel defeated because trying to achieve the goal will instead feel like an uphill battle. Keep showing up for yourself and keep on-track for yourself. There is importance in cumulative efforts — if you’re not able to keep consistent, you’ll slip behind your guide posts.
There’s no shortcut to true progress. Progress is always cumulative — it’s the result of continually being intentional.
Everything in life comes down to consistency — consistency in doing something or consistency in not doing something, either way it builds a pattern. What patterns are you building?
In the book The Love Gap, the author prompts us to ask ourselves, “Is this relationship helping me become closer to the person I ultimately want to be?” I’ve often kept a similar phrase in mind when contemplating my own choices, but I think the big difference here is her use of the word “ultimately,” which is newer to me within this concept. It encourages us to think about how our choices are ultimately serving us, not just right now, but in the long run. How is this best serving future me? I’d also never really thought of this concept beyond actions, but have realized that in relationships, words mean nothing (or often very little), actions mean something, but patterns mean everything — patterns of reliability are the foundation of trust.
The book You Only Fall in Love Three Times explores the concept of “twin flames” (as well as “soulmates” and “karmic loves”). What this book taught me most was the value of being hyper self-aware, able to identify and call out my own “bad” patterns. I realized for the past few years I’d been dating iterations of the same guy — ones with a low commitment index and a high fun/spontaneity index. And while this may have worked in the short-term and I had a ton of fun, it wasn’t sustainable — also it wasn’t even what I ultimately (there’s that word again!) wanted. So why was I wasting my time picking the same dead-end options back then? In reality, I wasn’t wasting time at all, but was having to repeat similar dating experiences until I finally learned the lesson there — until I finally figured out what I wanted and what I deserved.
You have to learn what you don’t like in order to learn what you do like — this is true for relationships, jobs, friendships, your habits, everything you do in life.
I’m so happy I’m not the person I was, but I’m thankful I got to be the person I once was. To go through things, to grow through things — I believe all these experiences made me into the best current version of myself.
I want to come back to the idea of showing up for ourselves. I’ve mentioned this previously, but I’ve never really been big on New Year’s resolutions. If there’s a change I want to make, why not start it now, today? But I do like the idea of choosing a Word of the Year to help intentionally guide my next year. The back-half of this past year, I noticed myself speaking a lot about being intentional, in various areas of life — in my own personal habits, in how I approach relationships (big thanks to this book!), and encouraging others at work to come from a place of intent in their actions. I decided it’s something I want to keep focusing on this year and have set INTENTIONAL as my word for 2022.
Intentionality and showing up for yourself go hand-in-hand. This year, I want to make sure I’m being intentional about continuing to show up for myself in a way that I’m satisfied with.
Remember: “How you do anything is how you do everything.” Make sure the choices you make for yourself are backed by intent. So when it’s December 31st again, what will you be happy or proud that you did for yourself this year? Do that — start now.