Twenty-Nine
Last month, I turned twenty-nine. It was my first birthday in two years that wasn’t in a lockdown, so you could say I definitely had a pep in my step. I started the day with a long bike ride to the lake, a perfect example of an activity I love to do on my version of a “perfect” day — something outdoors involving movement.
Birthdays always make me a little introspective and, as I get older, aging is naturally a topic that comes to mind more. The book The Science and Technology of Growing Young speaks about the concept of “psychological age” — about how if we feel younger than we actually are, this can physically impact our bodies in a positive way, leading to things like “less obesity, inflammation, hypertension, and diabetes, […] stronger pulmonary and muscular function, perform[ing] better on cognitive tests, sleep[ing] better, and even report[ing] having better sex lives”.
This got me thinking a lot about how if we treat our bodies right (listening to them, nourishing them, moving them), age can actually become more of a mental thing, as opposed to a physical, literal thing — we don’t have to define ourselves by a number.
The start of April also marked one year of me having this space for my writing. I’ve been writing less frequently than I’d like, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been acting creatively. I’ve realized that so much of my writing happens before the writing itself — thinking, observing, finding inspiration, researching, weighing ideas, living, learning. If only you saw the back-end of this website… and the 30-odd draft posts I have here. They’re wordy, they’re half-started, they’re disjointed, but they’re there — and it’s writing!
Just as I am a mood-reader, I’m also a mood-writer. I know it’s time to write about a certain topic when I keep thinking about it and it also often starts appearing everywhere in my life — beyond my own thoughts, I start seeing it in the content I read/consume, in conversations with friends, in song lyrics, etc.
In a recorded conversation about meditation and the influence it’s had on her life, Melissa Wood mentioned that “a lot of us don’t want to feel” — me writing is me feeling, it’s how I get in touch with myself. Writing forces me (in a good way) to be vulnerable and it gives me the opportunity to have frank conversations with myself. Over the past year, more than anything, I’ve given myself the right to write (if you want to read more about this concept, I suggest Julia Cameron’s great book, The Right to Write).
You can also read more about why I write in my post here (it was my first one!).
In April, I tried to focus on rest — for me, that means slowing down in some way. Whether it’s an extra hour of sleep, not working late, watching TV instead of reading, just sitting in my own silence on the couch, listening to music, meditating, going for a walk instead of working out, skipping the workout altogether when it feels like skipping it is the right choice — overall, just listening to my body more.
Remember, if you’re doing what feels right for you, that’s the right decision for you. There is comfort in knowing that the choices we make aren’t for forever; they’re for today. Choosing to skip X (whatever it is to you) once in a while does not make you a lazy, undisciplined person — it shows that you’re self-aware of how your body is feeling and how you are feeling. That’s not to say don’t stick to your goals or don’t be diligent, but don’t let it be everything. It’s OK to not always be “on” — it’s OK to slow down — it’s OK to fail.
An idea that always stuck with me from James Clear’s Atomic Habits is that “Missing once is an accident. Missing twice is the start of a new habit.” Know that it’s OK to miss, but have the discipline to come back to what is important to you.
I’ve recently found a better balance between rest and effort, and the effort I have put in has been more intentionally directed, as a result. I’ve noticed slight changes in my body, which I know are the result of not-so-slight changes that I have worked hard for. When I see these slight changes in my body (and more importantly, in my mind!), I admire what dedicating time to myself has done — I’ve strengthened my muscles, I’ve strengthened my body, I’ve strengthened my mind.
With focusing more on health and wellness lately, and therefore focusing more on the progress being made, I’ve naturally been thinking about and looking at my body a lot, which can come with its own concerns. I’ve been fortunate to always be quite healthy mentally when it comes to body image, focusing less on size/weight/look and more on health itself. And we all know that there should be more focus on our inner traits (being a good person, being thoughtful, having a kind soul) than external ones, but sometimes we slip up — we’re only human.
It’s sad to think, but we’ve all had those moments where we don’t like what we see when we look in the mirror — just picture that classic scene from Mean Girls where the girls are egging each other on, each taking a turn to pick at the “flaws” in their own appearance.
Last month, I had my own moment like this. I was heading down to the lobby and noticed my reflection in the elevator mirror. I was wearing lighter-coloured jeans and a small dimple on the back of my upper leg caught my eye, and made me do a double-take. I quickly caught myself in my damaging thinking and realized how silly I was being. How could that tiny “flaw” cause me to question my worth? How could it ever?? It’s ridiculous to think that something so small could.
Being kinder to others starts with being kinder to ourselves.
I’ve read a lot about the body lately:
Emily Ratajkowski’s memoir My Body
More Than a Body — encourages us to view the body as an instrument, not an ornament
The Science and Technology of Growing Young — speaks a lot about “psychological age,” which I mentioned above
Plenty — a food memoir that deals with body image and eating disorders
I find that reading on this topic helps put new perspectives in front of me, allowing me to continually be more accepting of myself.
Being mentally healthy with regard to body image doesn’t mean we don’t have “negative” thoughts linked to it (trying to achieve that is likely close to impossible), but it means we are able to have enough awareness to catch ourselves in our thinking and that we have the ability to pull ourselves out of these harmful detours quickly.
As I mentioned earlier, I’m lucky to be mentally healthy when it comes to body image. I surround myself with positive influences, I make fairly healthy choices consistently, I try not to concern myself too much with outward beauty and societal standards. When I look at myself, I’ve made a conscious shift in my thinking, focusing more so on “I look healthy” vs. “I look good” — I try to do the same when I look on to others as well.
I am by no means an expert in the area, but in terms of our diet and exercise, I think it’s important to try to come from a place of thinking about health vs. a place of trying to achieve a certain number- or image-based goal, like I want to lose X pounds or I want to look like X person, for example — in More Than a Body, they refer to these as “appearance-focused body ideals”. Instead, it’s more favourable to focus on health-based ideals like, I want to be more flexible and able to touch my toes / I want to be able to run around the block without getting winded / I want to feel good in my body / I want to feel strong.
When considering a new diet/exercise option, ask yourself first: Is this healthy or unhealthy? Think, if I heard of someone else doing this, would I consider it to be a healthy or unhealthy choice? It can be helpful to take ourselves out of the scenario, to remove our self-bias from our choices and approach things from a more objective, logical standpoint.
I know overall I am healthy and (for the most part) make healthy choices for my physical body and mind. I haven’t recreationally stood on a scale in probably over a decade (unless you count a trip to the doctor’s office), my reasoning being that if I feel healthy, what difference would seeing a number make? As a society, we are so infatuated with a number, a look, a fad, that we lose sight of what really matters — our health, our longevity, how we feel. Imagine a world where everyone could get on board with the fact that (if we are healthy), weight, like age, is just a number.
Earlier this week, I listened to a 2020 episode of the Real Pod, hosted by mental health advocate Victoria Garrick — I paused it so I could write down this part, during which she’s reflecting on her body:
“I appreciate everything you’re doing for me to keep me alive and keep my heart beating and I cherish you for what you do for me, not how you look. Right, the same way when we meet people, we care about if they’re kind, awesome, amazing human beings, we don’t care — hopefully — how they look, we care about what’s on the inside. So that same way, I want you to view yourself as what my body is doing for me is more important than how my body looks today.”
This was echoed in a hot yoga class I took today, where the instructor was having us take a moment to be appreciative of our bodies and what they do for us, saying that “our bodies don’t take a day off”. How could we ever judge and belittle a body that works so hard for us every day?
Last month, I was reading the book The Almanack of Naval Ravikant, which had a line saying, “All the real scorecards are internal.” While I’ve come to the realization that this is the only body I’ll ever have, so I want to love and appreciate it, I also know that the type of person you are is infinitely more important than the type of person you look like. Thinking so is a conscious choice we each make — we get to choose the relationship we have with our body and with ourselves.
As I approach my thirties, I truly feel better than ever in my own skin — I feel confident, I feel healthy, I feel strong. I know that listening to my body is something that will become more and more important with each new year of life. I also know that the most beautiful things about me are the ones you cannot see — my relationship with myself, my kind heart, my willingness to learn and grow and become the best version of myself.
I’ve long felt younger than I actually am, both physically and mentally. I try to treat my body well overall and try my best to listen to it.
As I get older, I’m doing an increasingly better job of owning who I am. When I think back to my earlier twenties, I see a girl who wasn’t as confident, who was hesitant and scared at times, who overthought, who had anxious and avoidant tendencies, who didn’t hold as much self-worth as she does today, who didn’t think she deserved certain things. I’m so thrilled with the growth I’ve seen in myself and am grateful for each next year of life I get to live — it means having more time to focus on growing into the person I’m trying to be.
This spring, I read Gabrielle Bernstein’s newest book, Happy Days — this is my favourite book of hers to-date. She writes that, “My bravery to wonder is what allowed me to ever so slightly surrender some control and let down my guard.” With writing here, that’s what I’m doing — allowing myself to wonder, in the hopes that letting my guard down also encourages others to do the same.
Here’s to another year around the sun, doing more of what I love.
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If you’re interested in reading last year’s post on twenty-eight, you can find it here. And if you’d ever like to share your stories or experiences with me, I’d love to hear from you.