Self-Talk

Written By Danya Zenchuk

I’ve been working on this piece for a few months, here and there, whenever inspiration came to me. It’s hard for me to believe I haven’t posted a finished piece of work on here since the early days of summer. But I’ve decided I’m not going to be hard on myself — I’ve been busy living, experiencing, drawing inspiration. I came across a Cheryl Strayed quote last month in this book that reaffirmed this for me: “The lesson I’ve learned over and over again as a writer is that my work has to come from an authentic place.” I can’t and won’t force it, though it might feel like a convenient excuse that allows me to seemingly procrastinate… I do think it’s the truth — trying to force creativity will only result in coming across as inauthentic.

I have learned that giving yourself a hard time is not helpful and communicating with yourself in a harsh manner is also not helpful. Don’t be hard on yourself — instead, work hard on yourself. It’s one of the things that matters most in life.

Everything comes back to you. Everything comes down to this self-talk we have with ourselves. How do you handle and get through what happens to you? How do you speak to yourself? How do you motivate yourself? How do you console yourself?

We all have this whole other world, internally, that nobody else knows about. Our secrets, our doubts, our worries, our moments of pride, our hesitations, our guilty pleasures, our thoughts (good and bad) — it’s all personal and private to each of us. There is so much externally that is competing to make its way in — to deter us, to discourage us, to make us feel bad or guilty, to make us question ourselves. And because of that, I believe it’s so important to prize and protect our mindset above all else.

I try to embrace getting older — to be excited for and grateful for each next year of life. It already feels so good to be older than I used to be. To know who you are, to have a better sense of self, to know your preferences, to have your routines, to have your habits. I expect much of this to still change and evolve over time, as I change and evolve too, but it feels so nice to be more sure of myself — to be more settled into myself than I was in my earlier twenties. It’s so satisfying to come into your own and watch yourself become more “you”. I’m now able to reap the rewards of having put in the hard work — and, believe me, it really is work.

On a recent episode of Jay Shetty’s podcast, his guest Selena Gomez stated: “I actually work really hard to be a great person, and I am a great person.” — this resonated with me so much. The way I am, the way I show up, and the way I present myself to the world doesn’t just happen. Maybe it comes off as effortless to some, and while I’m flattered because it means that all the work has truly worked since it’s being noticed, I haven’t always been like this — it’s the result of years of work on myself.

Nothing is ever an “overnight success”. It’s incremental, it takes effort, it takes time, it’s hard, there are setbacks and downturns and moments of despair, but that’s life. It’s a series of highs and lows, ups and downs. But the focus — the big thing here — is how do you get yourself out of those low and down times, and how well and how quickly? After years of working on myself and coaching myself through things, I aim for the lows to be small dips, rather than valleys. Yes, they’re part of the journey, that’s not going to change — but they’re not the main attraction, and they’re certainly not the final destination. I won’t let them be.

On that same podcast episode, Selena mentions that she thinks often about these two questions:

  • “How am I going to be a better person?

  • How am I going to make the best choice for myself?”

This was a reminder to me that our work is never done.

Despite all the work I’ve done on myself, it never ends. And I mean that in the best way possible. Author Tama Kieves refers to this as “increasing my wingspan”. How exciting that each of us are ever-evolving — how exciting that nothing stays the same and that we are in the driver’s seat of whatever change we’d like to make happen.

Self-growth is something for which there isn’t a finish line — it’s hard work, it never stops, and it’s on you to keep growing and improving in your own life, for the rest of your life. No one is going to tell you to do this, it’s 100% on you. It all starts with you — not in a selfish way, but in the best way possible.

Melissa Wood has this concept of “meeting with myself” that I heard her mention earlier this year and really latched onto. Essentially, you’re making sure to schedule in time for yourself — with yourself — to do whatever it is you need/want to do. It should be treated like a priority — you should treat yourself like a priority — just as much as any other commitment on your calendar. Carving out time for yourself is so vital, as it helps you show up better — not just for yourself, but for others too. I don’t know about you, but that’s definitely a “meeting” I don’t want to miss!

I’ve expanded her concept one step further to “homework for myself”. Each time I work on a piece of writing (like this one!), it’s like I’m doing homework for myself — it’s how I process things. And every non-fiction book I read or inspiring podcast I listen to is also like homework for myself — it helps me learn more about being the best possible person I can be. Guided meditation is also great, as it allows you to hear kind, encouraging words, which then transfer into your own mind and become your talk-track. Whatever it is that works for you, focus on filling your mind with helpful thoughts. Remember: the grass is greener where you water it — take care of yourself.

So, how do we get to a point of having healthy, encouraging self-talk that feels like second nature? The first step is consistency — continuing to talk to ourselves kindly, even when times are hard.

Self-talk becomes a mindset, and your mindset becomes your outlook on life. At times, self-talk might take on the form of a mantra (a sound, word, or phrase) that we repeat to help encourage and/or console ourselves. Which mantras do you speak to yourself? (Or, if this isn’t something you currently do, what is something you think you might need to hear from yourself?)

These are some of my personal mantras — I repeat these to myself often:

  • I am happy, I am healthy, I am safe.

  • What is happening to me is happening for me.

  • I already have all the love that I need.

  • I get to choose how I carry it.

  • I love who I am and I love who I am becoming.

  • I already have the life I want. I already have everything I need.

  • I can’t change what has happened and I can’t control what’s going to happen.

  • I love love and love loves me. / I love money and money loves me. / I love success and success loves me. (or whatever else I’m focusing on at the time)

  • “I’m doing enough. I have enough. I am enough.” (lovingly borrowed from @marylawlesslee)

I’ve been taking this month in particular to focus on coming back to myself. The cooler seasons bring a sense of settling down — things become a little slower, a bit more peaceful. Wishing you many of these peaceful moments, with yourself.

Remember: no matter how anything else unfolds, it’s going to be you and yourself together for the rest of your life — so enjoy your time with yourself and make your mind a welcome place to be.

As the year comes to a close soon, here are some things I’ve noticed:

  • I’ve gotten better at following the advice “attract, don’t chase”.

  • There’s a difference between being a doormat and doing the right, good thing. Choosing kindness as your reaction will never leave you a doormat — karma will be repaid when you do the “right” thing (not that it’s about keeping tabs).

  • What we focus on, we give energy to. When you drive a car, you’ll go where your eyes are looking. Similar to this, your life will go in the direction that your thoughts are pointing it towards.

  • We need to rid ourselves of the idea that our mind should always a happy place — it isn’t, and it can’t be, and it will never be. No matter how much work we do on ourselves, it’s still an impossible ideal. If you’ve heard Selena Gomez’s latest single, you’ll know there’s an intimate line that goes, “my mind and me, we don’t get along sometimes” — it’s the truth.

  • This isn’t a new phrase or concept, and many people have echoed a similar sentiment, but “you are entirely up to you”. You are the only one who can control your thoughts, actions, reactions — we each choose this for ourselves.

  • On being single: I’ve been feeling so connected with myself, grateful for the phase of life I get to be in right now, trying to go with ease and not force/rush anything. The more I can focus on and better myself now, the more I can bring to a relationship, and I know this will allow me to better attract more of the same. I have built (and am continuing to build) a life that I love so much and that is a testament to me and all my self-work. I’m more picky now, not necessarily of the partner I’m looking for/their traits, but just about who I’m willing to let into this wonderful life I’m curating for myself.

  • Self-care is not selfish. Time spent on ourselves is never wasted and some of the best things take time — don’t rush yourself.

  • I can only act and react with the information I have available to me right now.

  • Doing things on your own isn’t overrated — and for me, it’s necessary even.

  • You can’t change the past, you can’t change what might be, you can’t impact what someone says or does. You only have power over what you think and what you do. The rest is completely outside of your control, and failing to accept this leads to (unnecessary) grief and anxiety.

  • You can still choose to see the good in a person, no matter what they’ve done. We are our continued choices — not the one “bad” thing we did.

  • I am called to write. Writing is primitive — it demands a lot of effort, as there aren’t facial expressions, body language, music/sounds, filters, emojis, etc. to help get the message across. It’s just you and the blank page/screen. It’s brutally honest. There’s no hiding. It’s just you — it’s just words.

  • The evolution of our relationship with ourselves begins in our mind. As Melissa Wood frequently prompts us to ask ourselves, “How bad do you want to feel good?” Remind yourself of your “why” — why are you doing this work?

  • Try not to sit with negative thinking for too long. Don’t let it seep in, don’t keep coming back to it — that’s where the trouble happens. Acknowledge it and sit with it until you’re at peace with it and have learned what you need to, and then move along. There will be detours, but keep moving forward.

  • More often than you think, it really can be mind over matter — as one of my go-to mantras reminds us: “I get to choose how I carry it.” The choice is yours.

  • This one has taken me a long time, but I’m coming to understand that the words and feelings of others should not and do not have the power to impact my inner state. We decide what we give power to.

  • With our work on ourselves, instead of striving for perfection, ask yourself: Did I give it my all? (be honest) Am I proud of my work? Am I proud of my effort?

  • I realized I’m only going to grow if I have a strong, supportive relationship with myself and kind, forgiving self-talk. It’s important to stay committed to always growing — you’re going to get it wrong a lot of the time, and that’s OK.

  • The work will never be done, it will never stop. Ryan Holiday says, “the obstacle is the way” (he even has a book by this name) and it couldn’t be more true. There are always going to be obstacles, challenges, uncertainties — working hard on yourself does not exclude you from experiencing those things one bit, but it better prepares you to handle them and allows you to veer back onto the path much faster after a diversion.

I know this was a longer one, so if you’ve made it this far… thank you! Despite my lack of regular posting while I’ve been busy “living, experiencing, drawing inspiration” (self-quote from above…), know that there’s a lot in my writing pipeline that you can look forward to reading soon and I’m so excited to have more to share soon. Plus, some more guest posts in the new year too!

And to leave you with some wise words from Brianna Wiest (from her wonderful book, 101 Essays): “It’s always yourself you find at the end of the journey.”

~~

PS — if you’re seeking more content that speaks to self-talk and our relationship with ourselves, may I suggest the following?

Danya Zenchuk
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